Falling Stars
by Starlight226
Summary: This story is a response to the drinking fic challenge on the SMWW FanArchive. The chapters alternate between the two characters' points of view and the story is a result of my contemplation of what it would take to finally get these two together.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: ****This fic is in response to the drinking fic challenge. If you watch Grey's Anatomy, you may recognize parts of the story as parallels to George and Izzy's similar situation...don't hate me for unoriginality, just consider it a compliment to writer Shonda Rhimes for figuring out a way to get two best friends together. There's plenty in here that could only happen between these two. **

It's the middle of the night as I cut through the sky over the sea, a blanket of stars filling the blackness above me. I dip and bank randomly, taking my time with my flight, enjoying the sensation of the Mediterranean air on my skin- _it's been way too long since I had time to enjoy this_. Soon my little house on the cliffs comes into view, and I spin slowly in my flight over the waves, then dip low to splash up an arc of water with an outstretched hand before pulling up sharply to skim the rock face of the cliff on my way up to my house. I purposefully overshoot it and continue up into the sky, knowing I can go all the way to the stratosphere if I want to. I gradually slow several hundred feet into the sky however and let myself go into a freefall of flips and spins on my way back down. Finally I control my descent and land gracefully on the balcony, closing my eyes and sighing with contentment. _Tonight is a good night. _

"Quite an airshow," an amused voice says from in front my closed eyes.

I simultaneously gasp, shriek, and jump as my eyes snap open, instantly sending myself fifty yards into the air and away from the balcony.

_Who is here? _

The sound of surprised but friendly laughter allows my heart rate to slow slightly as I cautiously fly back towards my house. _Is it…_

The silhouette of another figure rising into the sky answers my question. I grin in spite of myself and fly forward again.

"Kal!" I shout with mock anger as I recognize my friend, zooming to meet him in the air and punch him hard in the gut. "You scared the living goddess out of me!"

He rolls with the punch and lets me zoom past him, and I bank sharply to come at him again, not really mad but wanting to make my point. As he turns to deflect me, however, the moonlight falls across his face and I am startled to see how sad he looks, in spite of the small friendly smile.

I brake suddenly in the air, then float forward, concerned.

"Kal? What's the matter?" I say as I come closer. He just looks at me as he hovers, his smile slowly fading, and I reach out to touch his shoulder as soon as I am close enough. He looks away at that point, so I just take his arm and turn us in the air. "Come on," I say, leading us back towards my house on the cliffs. "Let's go inside."

I hear him sigh as we glide though the air, then finally speak.

"I'm sorry I scared you. I know you didn't know I was watching, but it really was spectacular to see you flying like that."

"Were you waiting for me to get home?" I say, looking over at him, hoping that he can't see that I'm blushing. I notice that he's wearing plain clothes rather than his Superman suit. "I had no idea you were coming, or I would have been here sooner."

"Yeah…I hadn't been here long…I saw you coming on the horizon, so I thought I'd just wait for you…"

Super-vision. _Of course._

Our feet touch down on the balcony, and I push open the sliding glass door that leads to my living room and flip on the lights.

"You look very nice, by the way," he says from behind me as he follows me inside.

"Oh!" I say, blushing. I had forgotten entirely that I was still dressed up. "I've been at a charity ball all night for the earthquake victims- I went the traditional route for dress…" I look down at the moss green Grecian gown and gold sandals, and self-consciously touch the jewels in my ears and the tiara on my head. He's never seen me dressed up like this.

"Let me go change," I say suddenly, though I'm not sure why it matters. "And no looking through the walls- you're a married man!" I remind him flippantly as I spin with lightning speed through my closet, reappearing in tunic pants and a plain shirt.

"Sorry, I…" I start to say as I spin back into the room, only to see him sitting silently on my couch, staring out the window. In the light I can see so much clearer the pain on his face.

"Kal, what's the matter?" I ask, moving slowly to sit down beside him. Close enough to let him know that I'm here, but not too close. _Never too close_. I lay a gentle hand on his arm.

He sighs and doesn't meet my eyes as he answers. "I just had to leave- I was tired of the fighting- I just needed to get away for a while…I couldn't go to the Watchtower. I can't take the questions there. And I didn't want to go to the Arctic just to vent by myself. I just…" his hand finds mine seemingly of its own accord, and I instinctively clasp it gently. "I need my best friend right now. I need to spend five minutes with a woman who's not going to pick a fight or ask too many questions..."

He pauses, but I'm too startled by the unexpected flow of words to say anything, so I just stare at him, concerned.

"I…" he breaks off, turning suddenly to face me. "I'm sorry I just showed up without calling…but would you mind if I stayed here for a little while? Just for tonight?"

The question gets my voice working again.

Of course, Kal. You're always welcome here." _What else could I say to this?_

He smiles, the relief evident. "Thank you, Diana. I'm glad I can always count on you," he says, looping an arm around me and pulling me against his side in a familiar embrace. I hug him back with one arm and savor the moment of his warmth and the feeling of my body fitting perfectly into his, but make myself pull away first, repressing the desire to just stay there all night.

I get up and go into my kitchen. "Can I make you some tea?" I call as I start opening my cabinets.

He leans back into my couch and takes off his shoes. "Anything that you think would help me unwind…I can't tell you how uptight I feel right now…"

I chuckle, knowing that any alcohol I have will do nothing for him…_but why not?_ "Well, I do have some wine, if you'd rather…where did I put it?" I mutter as I try a different cabinet. _I don't see it anywhere…_

"Kal, would you mind? It's a tall green wine bottle…" I look over and see him coming into the kitchen, his bright blue eyes sweeping across my cabinets and shelves. "Top shelf of the pantry," he says, eyeing the closed door.

"Oh of course…" I say, opening the door and reaching for the bottle.

"Here," I say holding it out to him. "Why don't we give this a try?"

He takes it from me, and I go to the cabinet hover a little off the ground to reach my wine glasses on the top shelf. "What is it?" he asks, eyeing the bottle, brushing the dust off the label.

"It was a gift from a friend across the galaxy. Maybe it will help you calm down a little…" I lift two glasses from the shelf and rest my feet on the ground again.

"You know, this probably won't affect me in the slightest," he says, looking up at me.

By his face, I can tell that right now, he wishes it would.

I smile and take the bottle from him, carrying it and the glasses out onto my balcony. "Help me drink it anyway- it's been sitting around for too long. And even if you don't have wine, you've got the view to distract you. The stars are gorgeous out here."

I float over the wide rail and seat myself on it, uncorking the bottle and filling the glasses with the sweet-smelling drink. It doesn't take long for him to join me, seating himself on the stone rail and dangling his legs over the edge.

"To the opposite sex," he says, picking up a glass and holding it out to me, a small smile on his lips.

"May we never understand each other- it keeps life interesting," I respond with a smile, clinking my glass against his. We both drink our glasses down in the first sip. It tastes like no wine I've ever had before- _otherworldly_. The taste is incredible and sets my senses abuzz immediately with the captivating texture of flavors.

He notices it too.

"Wow," is all he says after swallowing, picking up the bottle to examine it again, as though he might learn something from the etchings in alien language. "What did you say this was?"

I turn to answer and am startled to feel my head spin a little- _my, this stuff works fast._

"Myona told me it was the made from the first harvest on the new planet. Remember when I was there about three years ago? Helping them start over after they had to relocate to another planet? She said there were a few bottles set aside for those of us who helped them back then. A little memento of our work there."

He fills our glasses again. "It may not do anything for me, but I'll certainly help you enjoy it."

We touch glasses and drink again, staring out across the endless sea, the low moon dancing across the waves as it rises higher in the sky. While we sit, I point out ancient constellations to him, choosing to forget that he knows far more about the stars than I do-he could name the galaxies I'm pointing at to draw pictures and tell stories with. He listens anyway, a faraway look in his eyes, matching me glass for glass as we enjoy the bottle.

"I keep waiting for a falling star," he says at one point when I stop talking, his eyes searching the darkness above us. "Someone told me once that it's a good omen. I could use one of those right now."

"Actually, falling stars have always been kind of depressing to me," I say, sipping from my glass again as I lean back on my other hand.

_How many glasses have I had now? Three? Four? _

"Why do you say that?" He turns to me.

"Think about it, Kal. It's a meteorite, just a rock, nothing special about it. It may have been floating through space for thousands of years, insignificant in the cosmos, something pointless and unremarkable in a world of exceptional, glorious stars. It could have floated in the universe forever, but chance brought it too close to our atmosphere, and as it falls, it disintegrates into nothingness. But that disintegration, that death…that's the one time it gets to shine a light of its own. The first time anyone notices it. But it lasts for just a moment, and then as quickly as it is seen…it's gone."

He says nothing for a long time, so long that I look over at him aware of how much my head is buzzing.

He's staring at me. "I never thought of it that way before," he says softly, turning his eyes again to the sky. "I always thought of it as a message from the heavens, a little piece of them being shared with us. You know, my ship brought a meteor shower when it crashed here when I was a baby."

I hiccup and cover my mouth, embarrassed. "Well don't let me spoil those stars for you, I think that's another good way of looking at it- far more optimistic at least…" I take another swallow of the fantastic drink. "I had a friend who saw it a lot simpler. In her mind, whenever a star was falling, a hero or some great person had just fallen from glory, or an innocent had just fallen from grace. Beauty lost to darkness."

As if on cue, a ray of white light streaks across the sky, disappearing almost as soon as I see it.

"So which was that?" He asks, turning to me. "A death, a message, or a fall?"

I shrug. "Guess we'll have to wait and see how the rest of the night goes, and then decide."

We both fall silent for a moment, so I acknowledge the elephant in the room.

"So what was she mad about this time? The late hours? The life-or-death missions? Another woman?"

He sets the glass down, leans back on his elbows and sighs. "This time, you could probably say 'all of the above'." The pain in his voice is evident.

I cringe inwardly. _How can such a simple woman hurt him so deeply? _

"What brought it on? I mean…sorry…you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to…" _My speech is already getting away from me… _

"No, it's fine," he says, waving away my words. He doesn't face me as he speaks. "I suppose it was the last time you were at our apartment to meet me for a mission. That was her excuse for blowing up when I came back a few days later. I mean, I think you know how she feels about our relationship…"

_Do I ever._

"And then it turned into a little of everything else…or I guess a _lot_ of everything else…" He bypasses pouring a glass and takes a sip straight from the bottle this time, then holds it out to me. I take a sip mostly out of pride-I probably shouldn't drink any more, but it's _so_ annoying that he can out-drink me.

"I'm sorry Kal. I'm always the one causing trouble. If that woman would just believe that I'm your best friend and nothing else…" I trail off because I have to focus on where I'm putting down the bottle- I just came close to letting it fall over the edge of the balcony. "Life would just be so much simpler."

I'm startled by the loudness of his laughter and I look up sharply, fighting the vertigo. He's smiling as he pushes himself upright again, swaying ever so slightly as he does.

_Wait, is this affecting him too? _

"'_That woman_.'" He laughs as though it's the funniest thing he's ever heard. "I'd say that's the most appropriate term now. It's just funny because that's how she kept referring to _you_- like saying your name was too difficult for her…" It takes my brain a moment to register that he's stopped talking because now he's drinking from the bottle again. I pull it from his hands with a small laugh, highly entertained by his behavior.

"You know, I think you've had enough of that, Mr. 'It-won't-affect-me-in-the-slightest.'" I hold it out of reach and take another drink for myself, only to find that there's not very much left.

_How did this bottle get empty so fast? _

"What are you talking about?" he says with a grin, reaching for it, playing my game. "I'm still sharp as a whip!"

"Oh, really?"

With a flash of a smile, I hook both my feet around one of his knees and snap my legs downwards, which pulls him sharply off the rail and into thin air. His startled expression as he falls is just too priceless, and I find myself laughing hysterically, setting the bottle aside and holding the rail for balance.

"Sure you are, _Mr. Lane_!" I call down as he finally catches himself in the air several stories below and flies back up again. There's a cocky grin on his face.

"You're not holding your liquor so well yourself, partygirl," he says with a gleam of mischief in his eyes, and grabs my dangling foot.

I can't make my limbs move fast enough as he pulls me off the rail, can't make my hands grab for something…I'm falling through the air to the sound of his laughter…for some reason, this whole thing strikes me as funny, and I laugh too as I fall…

The cold water of the ocean slaps my face as I splash into its darkness, and I gasp in surprise, inhaling a mouthful of saltwater. My legs kick instinctively, a single powerful stroke propelling me to the surface…

I gasp as my face breaks the surface, lifting myself out of the water and into the air. He's at my side in a nanosecond, his face concerned. He holds my arm as I cough up the water, brushing my dripping hair out of my face.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Diana, I thought you were going to catch yourself," he apologizes sincerely. "I guess we're both a little too far gone…" He takes my hand as my breathing returns to normal and begins to lead me back up to my balcony. I'm still a little dazed, but I suddenly smile, already forgetting the trauma of the past minute and having too much fun to let this moment pass.

"At least we're keeping life interesting!" I break away from him suddenly and streak across the water, arcing into the sky beneath the endless stars. "Chase me, Kal!" I shout, streaking into the clouds, willing him to follow.

My pattern is random- nonsensical loops and turns- and I hear his amused laughter as he follows me through the air. _I have never felt so carefree and wild…_

It's fun while it lasts, our ridiculous game of tag over the sea, but my equilibrium is so off that it's only a minute or two later that I fly too low and crash into the water again.

This time we're both laughing as he pulls me out.

"I think that's enough moonlighting for one night," he says, locking me against his chest and steering us back to the cliffs where my little house waits. I don't protest his control, though I know I normally would hate for him to order me to do anything- clearly I've lost a lot of my awareness now. Instead, all I feel is sly pleasure from the fact that he's holding me so closely against himself… But the other half of my brain fights to push these thoughts away. It wins the battle, but only barely.

Once I feel solid ground under my feet, I stumble inside, into my bedroom, and grab a robe, wrapping it around myself to hide the second skin that my clothes have now become.

"Where'd that bottle go?" I say, turning to look at him but swaying madly on my feet.

"Careful there," he says, gripping my shoulders to keep me upright, but his balance seems terribly off too, and we both stumble.

Laughing madly, I push him back. "I think I need to sit down…" Somehow I stagger across the floor and find my bed, letting myself fall facedown onto it. He laughs and helps me sit up, then sits down next to me. As he does, I can't help but notice how much I like the feeling of his hands on my waist…

"So, what do you think you're going to do about Lois this time?" I ask, pushing myself up onto the bed and leaning against my headboard, desperate for some stability in the spinning room. My head is buzzing, my thoughts muddled.

I can only hear parts of his response.

"…just so sick of always trying to please her…love her, I do, don't get me wrong…she's just so hard to live with sometimes…she knows what I am…can't forsake my duty for her…thought she understood that…maybe she thought she did too…guess we were both wrong…"

He laughs out loud again, and I'm startled by how close he is- _when did he move to sit beside m_e? I turn to face him and see the glaze in his eyes- he's either crying, or laughing harder than I realized…_or he's just very, very drunk_…

"You _have_ to apologize," I say, trying to sound serious but aware that my speech is slightly slurred. "Just go back there, with your tail between your legs, and grovel on your knees…"

"Come on…you can't be serious…I am _sick_ of apologizing…" he interrupts with a groan. "I mean, I can't _always_ be wrong…there's no fairness in this…" he's slumped against my pillows now, taking another drink.

"Share," I command, reaching for the bottle, but he holds it out of reach with a grin. I break into giggles again as I climb across his broad chest to try to grab it, and finally he relents and holds it out to me. I push myself off him and lean back against the headboard.

"She… is a tough woman, Kal, but I think this is how she… reacts to feeling insecure," I say, fighting for my balance as I tilt my head back for another sip. There's not really anything left in the bottle, but I get another sip out of it…

He laughs again. "She's _very_ insecure…" He says slowly, and looks meaningfully at me, a silly grin on his face.

I smile awkwardly, fighting to see straight. "What?"

He laughs again and grabs the bottle back, throwing back what I assume is the last of the wine before answering. "Come on! Tell me!" I say, still laughing as I shove him on the shoulder. He tries not to laugh as he swallows the wine before turning to face me.

"She is convinced that you're… _in love_ with me." The look of incredulousness on his face shows that he doesn't believe this could possibly be true.

I laugh obnoxiously, mostly because of the irony of it all, but partly to cover my true reaction of shock. Even drunk, I'm a skilled liar. "In love with you? Where would she get an idea like that?"

"And," he goes on, "that I …_desperately…_ want you…"

I laugh again, and hear him laughing too. _Well, Lois Lane is a better news hound than I give her credit for. But of course he doesn't need to know that…it's actually funny that he's so oblivious_…I begin to laugh even harder at the hilarity of it all…"Is she crazy?" I rock forward, I'm laughing so hard.

But an all-too-clear stab of pain makes me suddenly stop and just stare at him, my fake smile fading.

Does he really find the idea so _impossible_?

Of course, that stab of pain may have been because I just knocked my head against the headboard as I rocked back against it.

"Owwwww…." I giggle-groan, holding my head and slumping down into my pillows. He laughs at my clumsiness and slips a hand between the board and my head to cushion it, saying something about being careful. I look over at him with a grateful smile, and realize then that his gesture has brought our faces suddenly very close together…

For some reason though, his smile fades as our eyes lock.

It's hard to say what happened in that moment- I wish I could remember it better, but I was feeling it through a fog of alcohol...

…but I know in that instant, something clicked in both our minds.

Outside my window, a star fell.

And in that moment, we understood everything.

When I wake up several hours later to bright sun streaming through my windows, I am immediately aware of three things.

The first is the splitting headache that is waiting to greet me, wages for the wine of the night before.

The second is the sensation of skin against skin as I see the broad chest I'm sleeping against, the arms holding me, and the face of the man they belong to.

And third…

…is the instant knowledge that we have just changed everything.

And this time, there is no going back.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't think my head has _ever_ hurt like this.

I'm aware of the headache before I even open my eyes, and when I finally pry my eyelids open, I find myself staring right into the bright sun streaming through the windows. With a groan, I roll over and bury my face in the pillow, inhaling the scent of orchids…

_Why do my pillows smell like Diana? …weird…_

I know that if the sun's up, then I must be late for work, so I turn my head and squint against the sun, looking for the alarm clock on the nightstand…_why didn't Lois wake me up this morning?_...

There's no alarm clock_. And that's not my nightstand._

Suddenly wide awake, I sit up quickly, my head throbbing in protest.

_This isn't _my_ bedroom._

There's no one else in the room, and I don't recognize anything about it except my clothes on the floor next to me, but outside the window I see a bright turquoise ocean stretching to the horizon. I'm on the coast of the Mediterranean.

_What am I _doing_ here? Where am I? Whose bed is this?_

I throw off the covers, stagger to my feet and stumble from the room, only vaguely aware that I'm wearing only my boxers. My whole body aches…_and my god, this headache_…

I instantly recognize the rest of the little house- I'm at Diana's place. I suddenly remember coming to visit her last night. As I stumble into the kitchen, I see her standing at the sink with her back to me. She hears me coming and turns suddenly as I walk in. I notice she's dressed already, holding a mug of tea and she looks…panicked? I don't give her a chance to say anything though.

"Diana…" I say, leaning heavily on her counter. "_What_ the hell happened last night?"

Her face changes slowly from startled to confused. "You don't remember?" Her eyes are searching my face, as though she's expecting me to contradict her.

I run a hand through my hair, rubbing my scalp in an attempt to still the throbbing on the inside. _What _do_ I remember from last night_?

"I remember…wine…and stars…" _I can't remember anything past drinking on her balcony…_

I look up at her, connecting the dots mentally. "Wait a second, that wine… did that stuff actually…did I get drunk?"

Diana stares incredulously at me a half-second longer before she chuckles and turns away. "Unbelievable…" she murmurs in an amused tone, pulling a glass from a cabinet and filling it with water from the tap. She pushes it across the counter to me. "Drink this- you're probably dehydrated. You've got a pounding headache, I'm guessing?"

She still seems a little anxious, but her face has relaxed at least a little. She leans on the counter and watches me carefully.

I take the glass and gulp it down gratefully. "The _worst_. Is this what it's like every time someone drinks alcohol? _Why_ in the world would anyone do this?"

She refills my glass with another chuckle. "It's only bad if you drink past your limit. Welcome to your first hangover."

"Last night…oh wow…so I passed out I guess?" Heat floods my face. "I'm so sorry Diana…sorry you had to deal with that…" She just waves off my words and refills my glass again with an awkward smile.

"You were pretty…_entertaining_, I'll give you that." She passes the full glass back to me.

I'm in the middle of that glass of water when a strange thought occurs to me.

"Where did _you_ sleep last night?" I ask her over the top of the glass.

The strange look on her face returns, but as she opens her mouth to answer, a buzzing sound behind her causes us both to spin around. It's my pager vibrating on her counter, which she glances at as she picks it up and tosses it to me.

"It's Perry. Are you supposed to be at work today?"

Reality slams into me. "What time is it here?" I ask with a sinking feeling as I look up from the screen of the pager.

"Almost three in the afternoon."

_Seriously?_

Clark Kent was due at work in Metropolis an hour ago.

Immediately I begin zipping through the house, pulling my clothes back on, gathering my things back into my pockets…

"I'm so sorry Diana- I feel like the worst friend ever…I show up uninvited, drink all your wine, pass out in your bed…" I stop talking as I spin back into the kitchen and realize that she isn't even in there.

"Trust me, Kal, I'm the last thing you need to worry about right now." I turn and see her waiting outside on the railing of her balcony, now dressed in her Wonder Woman uniform. She smiles a small smile and holds a hand out to me as I join her in the sun.

"Let's get you home," she says, and I take her hand as we rise into the sky.

Our flight across the Atlantic takes only a few minutes. I should turn on the superspeed to get to Metropolis quicker, but with this headache and her escorting me, I take the speed down a notch so she can keep up. We don't talk at all, which normally is a comfortable silence for us. This time however, I feel there is something hanging between us. _She's probably thinking about what a terrible houseguest I was last night…_

As we land on the roof of the Daily Planet, the clocks of Metropolis are just striking nine in the morning. I hastily spin back into Clark Kent's suit as our feet touch down.

"Seriously Diana, thank you for being there for me last night. I'm sorry I didn't behave better…"

I turn and see her standing with her back to me, leaning quietly on the rail at the edge of the roof and peering down at the city below. Again, I sense an invisible wall between us..._there's something that I'm missing._

I walk over and touch her arm. "Diana…"

She lifts herself into the air, away from me, before she turns and meets my eyes. The strange expression on her face is back- a mixture of anxiety, pain, and…sadness?

She opens her mouth, seems to think better of what she was about to say, and then just sighs and turns away again.

"I'll see you later," is the last thing I hear her say before she streaks away into the sky.

I stand there, confused, for a moment longer on the roof, until my pager vibrates in my pocket again and I remember where I am. In a half second, I am entering my floor of the Daily Planet.

"KENT!" Perry thunders as soon as I walk in. "In my office, now!"

**Song inspiration: "My Hero"-Foo Fighters**


	3. Chapter 3

**Song Inspiration: "Pitter Pat"- Erin McCarley**

My flight home is _terrible_.

I take a different route when I leave Metropolis, in no hurry to get home. I need this time to think.

I detour along the east coast, down through the Caribbean, across the Atlantic to Africa…As I fly, I barely notice the changes in the temperature, or the movement of the sun, I am too lost in thought.

_How could he not remember?_ It was one thing to pass out after too much alcohol; it was another thing to forget an _entire_ night. I had remembered _everything_ …

When I opened my eyes, I had first noticed the terrible headache I had, but that thought was quickly replaced by confusion as I realized that I was sleeping against a person…I was curled on my side with my head resting on a bare chest …I had looked up, seen who it belonged to, and had understood instantly…

He was sleeping like a stone and didn't notice as I slipped from his arms, slid out of the bed, and dashed into the bathroom. At first, I had just been startled by the presence of another person in my bed. But, as I stared, horrified, at myself in the mirror, the memories of the night before came flooding back…

_Coming home and finding him here…allowing him to stay…drinking the wine…watching for falling stars…getting surprisingly drunk…talking about his wife…playing tag…crashing into the ocean…collapsing on the bed…laughing about the situation…his hand beneath my head…unable to look away from his eyes…unable to think of any reason why not…that first kiss…_

At that point I had gripped the edge of the bathroom countertop so hard that the stone had cracked in my hands.

_I had done the unthinkable_.

I didn't know what to do, how to react, what to say…panic, shame, and guilt crashed on me all at once…_what would this do to our friendship? What would he say to his wife? What would we say to the League? _

_What would I say to _him_ when he woke up_?

I couldn't even begin to imagine…

I did what I could. I showered. I got dressed. I avoided looking at him in my bed as I passed through the bedroom to the kitchen.

I stood there, wondering what to say when he woke up, when I heard him moving around. I still had nothing prepared to say when he came in, but I was also _completely_ unprepared for his amnesia. Too stunned for words, I tried to just play on my surprise at his hangover to avoid the confrontation I was dreading…

_How could he not remember _anything_?_

I turn my flight north again and make my way across the Mediterranean…

After the initial encounter in the kitchen this morning, I had been waiting for something to snap him out of his amnesia. But he didn't notice the wine glasses we had left on the balcony, he didn't notice my clothes intermixed with his on the floor of my bedroom, he didn't notice the look on my face…Even when we were flying, I was waiting for the memories to come flooding back to him suddenly…but they never did.

When we had landed at the top of the Daily Planet building, I had stopped at the edge of the roof, looking down at his city. For some reason, I was not surprised at all to see Lois Lane herself walk out of the building beneath me and hail a cab. As I watched, she tilted her face up and looked towards the sky…towards me.

I knew there was no way she could see me at the top of the skyscraper as she looked into the sun, and yet something in my heart twisted even tighter.

She was looking for Superman. She was looking for her _husband_.

One word rang in my head: _traitor_.

She _trusted_ me. And I had forsaken that.

I hadn't even heard him walking up to me, and when he had touched my shoulder it was like a hot iron against my skin, so extreme was my tension. Unable to bring myself to say anything to him, I had simply fled into the sky.

His touch, once something I had savored, was now only a reminder of what we had already done that had gone far beyond anything I would ever have asked him for.

And he had no idea.

As I fly, I try to put myself in his shoes- to picture what the scene this morning would have looked like to someone who had forgotten all that preceded it. Maybe everything else was innocent enough. Maybe it wasn't so strange that he would have come over, had a little too much to drink, passed out, and that would have been it…maybe that is all that would have happened…if I hadn't been a little too drunk too. Maybe he was only seeing what he _wanted_ to see…or was allowing himself to see…

_Maybe I have this backwards…maybe I'm the one who was imagining things. He didn't remember anything- why should I?_

But even as the thought crosses my mind, it is ripped away…the lasso of truth at my side burning away any lies I try to tell myself.

And sure enough, as I arrive at my house and land on my balcony, I see the empty wine glasses perched on the rail exactly where we left them. I reach out, hand trembling, and pick one up…the memories crash down on me again…

_The surprise of that first kiss, deep and intentional…cautiously reaching up to touch his cheek…his hand on my shoulder, sliding to my back, pulling me closer…kissing him with purpose as I let him part the robe I was wearing and ease it off me…his hands on my waist, drawing me around until I rest on top of him…pressing my forehead against his as I ran my hands along his chest, unbuttoned his shirt and pushed his it off his shoulders…letting him pull mine over my head…running my hands through his hair as his lips trailed down my neck…_

I can't even face myself.

In a burst of emotion, I turn and fling the glass over the edge of the balcony- the other one soon follows. I barely hear the sound of them shattering against the rocks below as I stride into the house, into my room, and begin ripping the sheets of my bed. I ball them up, leaving them in a pile on the floor, vaguely aware of the tears running down my face, my gasping breaths, and my trembling hands…

As I throw everything on the floor I spy the empty green wine bottle lying on the carpet.

I seize it, stride back out to my balcony and fling it as far as I can toward the sun sinking on the horizon. I watch fly nearly a mile out before dropping into the sea…

And then I collapse too.

I lay there against the warm stone tiles for the next hour, as my thoughts crash over each other again and again, the weight of it all hurting more each time. I can't seem to make the tears stop either…

_It's not _what_ we did that's the worst part of this situation. I _am_ ashamed of what I did, the part I played in it…I know that when I woke up this morning in his arms there had been a moment, however brief, where I had felt completely and perfectly at peace, as though this were a moment I had been hoping for for years…_

No, my guilt is not what hurts the most right now.

It's what I saw last night in his eyes. There had been a moment-_I remember this part so clearly_- when I had pulled back, looked in his eyes, and smiled. I don't remember why, but I know there had been a question in my eyes. It was a moment where things might have stopped if the answer was _no_…

And that was when I knew I wasn't alone in wishing for this to happen…because he had smiled back.

I saw it in his eyes- the same peace I felt.

_He knows we're meant to be together. It was there. _There was not a shred of apprehension on his face, not a moment of hesitation as he looked me in the eye, caressed my face, and kissed me again. It was…_right._

And he. Doesn't. Remember.

I'm still lying on the ground, completely drained, as the sun dips into the sea and the bright sky fades to purple. Inside the house, I hear my communiqué on my dresser _ping_- I'm due at the Watchtower soon.

Slowly, I get to my feet and tread heavily into the house. I clean myself up as best as I can, washing my face, brushing out my hair. I pick up the communiqué and slip it over my ear as I walk out onto the balcony.

The sky has darkened. Stars shine overhead already, pinpricks of light in the darkness. I lean on the railing and look down at my hands, breathing deeply, steeling myself for the inevitably draining night ahead.

Nobody needs know what happened, or that anything's wrong. It will be a charade all night.

_It's a foreign concept-I never have anything to hide. _

I know he's going to be there, and I'll have to wear a mask of calm even around him too.

_Hera, give me strength. _

At that moment, in the reflection of the sky in my bracelets, I see a thin ray of light streak through the expanse. A falling star.

The words of the night before run through my head… _"a death, a message, or a fall?"_

_Which was last night? _

I close my eyes.

_Last night is done. No going back. _

"J'onn," I say into the communiqué. "I'm ready."


	4. Chapter 4

**Song Inspiration: "Hero/Heroine"- Boys Like Girls**

It's a long day at the Planet, and I am relieved to have a shift at the Watchtower as a reason to not go home after work. Lois, thankfully, was out of the building on assignment all day…or at least that's what Jimmy told me. I had a feeling that he was stretching the truth just a little bit, but I was in no mood to argue. I could take postponing that confrontation as long as it would wait…

I leave directly from the building, taking my time as I leave the atmosphere.

It was a long day at work, that's for certain. My berating from Perry first thing in the morning had a different edge to it when I didn't have the internal knowledge that I missed work for a good reason. To make up for this, I stayed in the office all day, leaving only for lunch and to break up a mugging in the next town over during a water break.

I _still_ haven't really come up with a way to tell Lois what exactly happened last night. I don't know if she feels bad at all, but I know I feel guilty for just taking off rather than sticking the argument out and getting to the bottom of it. I also know that telling her I took off to Diana's place isn't going to help the situation at all…

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to choose between my wife and my friend. But this is life, and in my world I have to keep one systematically separated from the other.

My mind flashes back to the way our argument last night had ended…

"_She can't keep just showing up at our window- it's going to get your cover blown." _

_"Diana's not an idiot, she knows all about protecting a secret identity. She said she made sure no one saw." _

_"That's not the point Clark- this is your home. This is where you're not superman. You're Clark Kent. And if the other life you live starts working its way in here, then what do we have left?" _

_We've had this argument before. We have an understanding about this. I get the feeling this is not the _real_ problem. _

_"Why don't you tell me what's _really_ bothering you?" I try to say it in my most neutral voice. _

_She seems only slightly surprised that I caught onto her. "Ok fine. I'm not comfortable with you spending so much time with her outside of the League. That starts with her showing up at our apartment at random times." _

_This is just getting silly now._

"_Lois, we _never_ see each other outside the League anyway-she's an ambassador, I have a day job. When exactly do you think we have time to go out for coffee?" _

_"You're missing the point. I understand that you're friends- you have experiences that I wasn't there for, you have a foundation that goes beyond lifetimes. But don't you see that that's not all it is for her?" _

_She stares at me, waiting for my reply, but I just stare back at her blankly, confused._

_"Do you really not see it? Every time she looks at you?"she asks in a stunned tone, her face awash with disbelief. _

_And _still_ I have no idea what she's talking about. "What do you mean?" _

_"She...she has _feelings_ for you." She says it with a tone that means it should be something obvious. _

…What_? _

_"Diana? Oh come on, you can't be serious..." _

_I can see by her face that she is. _

_"No, Lois, come on, really?" I actually chuckle, it's so surprising. "I mean Diana's...Diana. She's a princess. I mean, she's beautiful, she's a demigoddess... Why would she even give a second look to a farm boy like me?" _

_By the look on Lois's face, I can tell I have said the wrong thing. "So...what does that make me?" she asks a challenging look in her eye but a note of pain in her voice._

_Oh, I know what she's thinking. _

_"Now Lois, come on- you are beautiful, you're smart, you're independent- I never thought you'd go for a guy like me..." _

_Something seems to snap inside her at that point. _

_I try to tune out the words as she begins to yell- but I get the gist of it: "you're fooling yourself...this isn't fair to me...I'm tired of feeling shut out..." _

_This isn't going _anywhere_. And I think I've had enough of this for one day._

_"I'm going to leave for awhile," I say in my most level voice and she gradually falls silent to hear me. "I think we both need to calm down or we're never going to resolve anything." _

_I'm halfway to door before she says anything. "This isn't over, Clark," she warns. _

_"I know," I say. "But maybe things will be a little different tomorrow. I'll just see you then." _

_And I left._

I hadn't planned to go to Diana's. I flew without a destination in mind for over an hour, just thinking about everything. I thought about going to the Arctic, but I didn't feeling like two ice storms in one night…I considered visiting Kansas, but I knew going to your mother's house after a fight with your spouse is _not_ something the husband is supposed to do…I even briefly considered going to the Watchtower… but before I knew it, I found myself over the Mediterranean, only miles from Diana's home. Surprised, I almost turned around, but the desire to see another person who would actually be _happy_ to see me won out. I settled on her porch, changed back into Clark Kent's clothes, and waited for her to come home.

_Yeah, Lois certainly wouldn't be happy if I told her about that…I won't be heading back to the apartment for the next eight hours or so, so I have plenty of time to figure this situation out…_

I break out of the atmosphere and round the earth towards the moon.

The jealousy has been getting worse and worse lately. I thought that things were looking up around the time Lois followed Diana around for a day for a special report, and for a while things were better. There's a new respect for her- I can hear it in her voice when she talks about her.

There's also still a fear- she's intimidated by her. Mentally, I understand how she feels- there are times when even I am intimidated by Diana- _ancient origins, superior training, an army of Amazon warriors for family, and the blessings of the gods-who wouldn't be intimidated by that?_

It's hard to believe though that Lois would accuse Diana of wanting to be more than friends. That's downright presumptuous. A thousand years in Asgard had changed nothing between us- except making us deeper friends than I knew to be possible. I would do _anything_ to save her life, and I know she would do the same for me. We know each other's ways so well- not just our fighting style and combat moves, but also the habits, the opinions, the little things that take lifetimes to get to know. I know how to make her laugh, and she knows how to make me angry; I know how to calm her down, and she knows how to build me up. That's what we really got out of all these years together.

_What is so wrong with a friendship like that?_

And yet, ironically, in all these years, I don't think I've ever seen her intoxicated…nor has she even seen me drink. _So last night was a bit of a surprise on both sides_. I still feel bad for her having to put up with me last night…I can only imagine what she must think of me now, having seen me drunk…

I know she'll be at the Watchtower tonight-I would never admit it, but I memorize the times that we are scheduled to be there together. _I'll find her and apologize again when I get there_. I can bet that she won't be holding much of a grudge though- anger doesn't stick to her for very long.

It's one of the things I love about her.

It's true that I love _everything_ about her-the good and the bad. She has a temper that can leave scars, an upbringing I can't relate to, and a background of violence that sometimes unnerves me...and yet she's the only person I know I can trust with _anything_. To everyone, she gives forgiveness even when it's not deserved and love even when it's not reciprocated. She speaks profound truth even when we don't want to hear it, and yet she's as innocent as a child in some ways of our world. She's an impossible combination of strength and beauty, a quality she carries effortlessly and bears out every day. She doesn't _need_ any of us in the League, yet she invites anyone into her heart with an irrational trust that invites the same from them.

She's a wonder.

I'm so aware of that_._

_But we're just friends_.

I finally arrive at the satellite and enter through the air-lock portal. Hal is the first one I see, and I nod a greeting to him as I make my way down the hall to report to J'onn, who I see through the walls is on monitor duty tonight. Another quick sweep with X-ray vision shows me that Diana is indeed still here- I see that she's several levels up, talking with Wally. _That can wait. I need to check in first_.

J'onn's busy at the controls when I walk in.

"Superman," he says without turning from the monitors, which are flipping rapidly between local news stations, international broadcasts, and intergalactic scanners. "Good to see you."

"Hello J'onn. How are things?" I ask, scanning the wall of monitors. "Anything eventful happening?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary," he replies. "Unrest in the Middle East still, but the violence is minimal- nothing the local forces can't handle. Elsewhere-" he pulls up the satellite feed. "Things are fairly quiet. Unless a natural disaster springs up, it could be a lazy night."

I chuckle. "I'm sure we could all use one."

J'onn spins his chair to face me. "Are you alright? You seem more tense than usual." His red eyes scan my face.

_Telepath_.

I sigh and sit down in the other chair at the monitors. "Just a long day. Lois and I had a fight yesterday- we haven't really resolved it yet."

J'onn nods knowingly. "Not exactly a formula for an easy day."

"No…I think maybe I'll head down to the simulator and burn off some of this tension. Probably better to get that out of my system now before I go home…" I stand. "Just call if there's anything I can help with."

I clap him on the shoulder as I walk past the back of his chair…And suddenly my head is spinning, spinning as memories crash down on me…

_That first kiss, her lips better than I could have imagined and still laced with the taste of wine… my hand cradling her head, slipping down to her shoulder, drawing her closer…feeling her respond to me with passion…wondering why we'd never done this before …sliding the bathrobe off her shoulders and helping her out of it…the feel of her body against mine…exploring the contours of her frame as she unbuttoned my shirt…my hands on her waist, fingertips slipping under her shirt to slide along her stomach…pulling the shirt over her head…kissing down her sternum as her fingers run through my hair…looking into her eyes…her smile, feeling myself smile back…unable to think of any reason why not…_

With a sudden move, J'onn strikes my hand away from his shoulder, breaking the stream of memories. He spins to face me, while clutching his shoulder and I realize that my hand must have tightened reflexively and hurt him unintentionally. The look of shock and incrimination in his eyes tells me he saw everything I just did...

I clutch my spinning head as the pieces suddenly _slam_ together.

_Last night… falling stars… we…it's not possible…we wouldn't have…but…the wine…oh my god…we did…_

…_does she remember this too?_

_**When people repress memories**__,_ J'onn's voice speaks in my head rather than out loud, and I meet his eyes, _**sometimes it's because they don't want to feel them. Other times, it's because they don't want to **_**face**_** them**__._

His red eyes narrow. _**This is yours to deal with, Superman. I think you know what you need to do**_. His eyes glance to the monitors, and I follow his gaze. I see Diana on the security feed leaving the simulator and walking down the hallway.

_I need to talk to her. Now. I need to know…_

Without a word, I turn and fly from the room, finding her in seconds. She's paused in the hallway, standing with her back to me, watching out one of the great bay windows with her forehead resting against the glass. Her shoulders seem bowed under an unseen weight…_I think now I understand why…_

I stride up to her and seize her arm. She spins to face me, and one look at her face and the guilt in her eyes tells me that she knows why I'm here.

"You remember," she says softly. There's the faintest hint of fear in her eyes.

I don't know _what_ to say as I stand there, staring into her eyes, my emotions boiling inside.

But I know I don't want to say it _here_.

"J'onn," I say out loud, knowing he can hear me, "send us somewhere. Anywhere."

"As you wish," his voice says in Diana's communiqué. I'm still staring into her eyes as we are reduced to energy and disappear.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Song Inspiration: "Arms (While the fire dies)"- Seabar**_

I don't know if J'onn picked this spot for a reason, but I can't help but notice the irony of where we are as we rematerialize.

We're in the Rocky Mountains. The Continental Divide.

_How appropriate_.

It's summer in the northern hemisphere, so there's little snow on the ground, but a chill lingers in the air around us. The sun has just dropped behind a peak, and shadows stretch around us on all sides while the sky shines a faint gold.

He lets go of my arm and strides several feet away as soon as we arrive, and I can feel the emotion radiating off him. He turns back to me, opens his mouth like he's going to say something, then strides away again, as though he can't make himself speak just yet.

I'm not sure what to say. _Where do you begin in a situation like ours? I don't know what he's feeling- is he mad at me, mad at himself…is he just confused? In shock? Is he…dare I think it…no, I don't…_

He turns back to me again. I am not going to be the one to speak first-he needs a minute to take this in- so I just look at him, trying to communicate with my eyes the apology that I'm afraid to say.

He holds my gaze for a long moment, his face indiscernible, then suddenly turns and smashes his fist into a huge boulder. The rock splits in two, the pieces rolling away down the slope of the mountain. We both watch after them as they roll off a steep face and crash to the bottom with a distant rumble.

For some reason, this anger is easier for me to respond to than his silence.

"What made you remember?" I ask quietly. He's still at least 30 feet away from me and doesn't turn when he answers.

"I touched J'onn."

_Of course…if anything was going to break up amnesia, it would be contact with the most powerful telepath in the world…_

"How much do you remember?"

He still doesn't turn. "_Everything_."

_Gods_…I close my eyes. _He must remember then how it happened…_

When I open my eyes, I see he's turned back towards me. His face is awash with anguish, but as he looks at me, there is accusation in his eyes.

_That's_ _the last thing I want to see right now_. Anger rises up inside me.

"Don't you dare look at me like that!" I shout, and lunge across the cliff at him. He dodges my attack easily but doesn't retaliate as I fly past him. I come around quickly for another strike though and smash him sharply in the face. He responds to _that_ by seizing my ankle as I fly past and throwing me to the ground.

I am up and flying at him again in a second, but this time he's ready for me and catches my right hook. I strike him in the solar plexus with my other fist though, causing him to double over. I seize the opportunity to flip him to the ground again, where I pin him with my knees on his chest and my hands pinning his wrists to the ground.

"_Don't look at me like I betrayed you_!" I shout at down at him, the pent up stress spilling out through my voice. "I didn't do this to you! I would _never_ have wanted this!"

He swings his leg around and flips me off him, throwing me several feet away where I slam against a boulder. The wind is knocked out of me, and I pause for a moment to catch my breath, preparing to fly at him again, but I calm a little as I see him sitting on the ground exactly where he was, not coming at me again, not even with his arms raised in preparation to deflect me.

He's just staring solemnly at me, rubbing the place where my fist collided with his face. The look of betrayal, mercifully, is gone. Now he just looks overwhelmed.

"Did _you_ remember?" he asks quietly. "When you woke up this morning, I mean." He still doesn't get up.

The anger leaves me as quickly as it came, and I relax my fists.

"I woke up in your arms this morning. Of course I understood and remembered…" My voice trails off.

He closes his eyes, sighs heavily, and lays back against the rocky ground.

"_God…Diana…"_ he says quietly, and puts a hand to his forehead. _"What have we done…"_

Slowly, approach him and sit down quietly next to him. I'm back to not knowing what he's feeling…what he's going to say…

"Why didn't you _say_ anything this morning?" he asks, sitting up and looking at me. "I could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know what."

I swallow and shake my head. "What would I have said, Kal?"

He acknowledges the truth in my words by looking away. I don't know what to say, so for a moment I just sit in silence next to him, staring out at the darkening scene around us.

"I had no idea that drinking that wine would lead to…any of that," I finally say quietly. "You know that, don't you?"

He nods. "Of course you didn't expect that. And I didn't either. It's not your fault. I was ignorant too. And as far as…_everything else_ is concerned…It was a mutual fault. It doesn't matter who started it…the point is that neither of us stopped when we should have…"

_When exactly would have been the time to stop? As far as I can tell, the battle was lost the second our lips met for the first time…_

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything this morning," I murmur, knowing it's the _only_ thing I'll apologize for.

"How long were you going to keep that to yourself?" he asks, finally turning to face me, an edge in his voice. "How long were you going to hide that from me?"

"Do you feel _better_ now?" I ask honestly, "Do you feel better _knowing_? How does it feel, knowing you have to carry this experience around for the rest of your life?"

His eyes flash and he looks away. I continue.

"I wasn't expecting you to not remember it, but since you didn't know, I realized immediately that if, by not telling you, I could spare you this burden, this situation…then for the sake of your marriage…I was willing to live with that secrecy. It wasn't selfish, Kal. You have to realize that."

"You were carrying a double portion of guilt, Diana. That's not charity, that's martyrdom."

I know he's right. We've both made our points.

Night has almost completely fallen by now. For a long moment, we sit in silence, looking out at the mountains around us, each lost in our own thoughts. I notice that he isn't apologizing for anything, but I am not sure what that means- _either he doesn't think it was his fault…or he isn't sorry it happened_. I wait for a moment longer for him to speak again, but he doesn't. I wait until the silence becomes taut though before I finally speak.

"I wish we could take it back. You know that. With all my heart, I wish it hadn't happened like this." It's the only way I can phrase it without lying. He nods silently in agreement, and I sigh and press forward. "But we can't change what we did. We just have to figure out where to go from here. We have to figure out some way to tell Lois..."

"We're not going to tell Lois," he cuts me off sharply.

I turn to stare at him, stunned. "What?" I whisper, disbelievingly.

He doesn't look at me as he replies.

"Do you have _any_ _idea_ how much this would hurt her? She's stuck by me through so much already, and this is how I repay her? I'm not going to break my wife's heart over a mistake that I made…a mistake that never would have happened if I had been thinking clearly."

Inside, my heart twists at his words. _A mistake…_

He turns to face me suddenly, looking me hard in the eyes and covering my hand on the ground with his. "This is between you and me, okay?"

The weight of what he's asking me sinks in as I stare at him. Keep our secret. Pretend nothing happened.

_Live a lie._

_How could he ask this of me?_

…_But what choice do we have?_

Somehow, I form the word.

"Okay."

He nods quickly, and, seeming to notice his hand on mine for the first time, he pulls it away quickly and gets quietly to his feet.

This is normally when we would embrace in parting. This time though, he just walks a few paces away and lifts himself into the air. My heart sinks as I realize that already, things have changed…

"I…" he looks at me, uncertainty in his eyes, "I guess I'll see you later."

I want to fly to him, embrace him, tell him not to walk away from this, to face up to the truth_…_but I force myself to just nod. "See you."

And I watch him leave, disappearing in seconds into a dark sky of stars. I hear a sonic boom as he turns on the superspeed and jets away from the mountains, leaving me alone in the darkness.

I get to my feet slowly, hesitating for only a moment before lifting myself in the air and heading through the sky in the other direction- towards home.

Only then do I give in to the emotions inside me.

Only when I can let the wind whip the tears away as I fly.

_**Fade out: "Who Knew"- P!nk**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Soundtrack: "Superman"-Five for Fighting (cliché but appropriate)**_

If thinking about going home was hard before I got to the Watchtower, thinking about it as I leave the mountains is _hell_.

I don't know where to begin.

At first I'm angry. Angry at Diana for lying to me, then angry at myself for what happened. _I shouldn't have even gone there last night. I don't know what I was thinking…_

_But how was I supposed to know this would happen?_

Gradually the anger fades as I fly, and guilt begins to take its place.

_I cheated on my wife_.

With a woman I have insisted for years is only my friend.

…_What do I do about this? How do I go on from this?_

I can't even explain it to myself. _I love Lois. I do_. And yet for years I have had to constantly reassure her that Diana and I are only friends, despite what the rest of the world would like to think we are.

_There's never been a time where I considered taking advantage of the friendship Diana and I share…I have never thought of the possibility of being more than friends. _

No doubt I have been attracted to her at times. When we first met, so long ago that it seems like another lifetime, I was so struck by her beauty, that I kissed her impulsively. That seems like such a strange thought already- we barely knew each other, but in my excitement at meeting another person with similar powers, I had built up an idea that we were made for each other. When this imaginary world shattered following our first adventure together, I knew it was for the better. That was when we got to start as comrades and begin again from there. Out of that, my most treasured friendship grew, and over the years it became what it is today.

I never considered that we would someday return to a time where we wanted _more_ from each other. We both moved on-fell in love with other people…and any feelings I had for Diana disappeared over the years. They never resurfaced, despite the closeness of our friendship.

_**Well, that's not entirely true, **_my conscience abruptly reminds me.

And then I remember Asgard.

_A thousand years, with only her by my side, fighting daily for the life and freedom of a people far removed from my heart but in need of help all the same. She was a comrade in arms on the battlefield, and off the field she was the only friend I had. She was a dependable fighter-inspiring all of us in even the worst of times. Even covered in dirt or blood, her beauty was a place of relief in the demon-filled world._

_I remember the nights by the fire as we reminisced about the lives we had left behind: told stories, recounted memories, shared jokes…I remember, in that world of darkness, on some days living only for the sound of her laughter and the sight of her smile at the end of the day…I remember how the things I knew about her gradually replaced the things I could remember about Lois…I chalked it up to time taking its toll, but inside feared that it was for another reason too…_

_I remember the nights where I would wake up to find that she had rolled against me in her sleep, and how I gradually forgot why I should _not_ hold her as we slept…I remember growing used to the smell of her hair, the feel of her body, the touch of her skin…_

_I remember our last night there, the night before the decisive battle that would either end the fighting with our deaths or our victory. I remember wondering what would happen on our last night together, whether I should take the last opportunity to show her how I felt…I remember being stunned at myself when I admitted my thoughts to her…I remember the look on her face as she touched my hand and admitted she was thinking the same thing…_

_That_ moment.

When it was completely within my power to ask her to stay with me. When there was no one who would have blamed me for wanting her after all these years. When there was nothing left between us and I knew she wouldn't have denied me…

That was the moment we could have crossed a blurred line out of friendship and into something _more_. That was the moment, looking back, that I realized that her place in my heart had overpowered anything-or anyone- else that dwelled there. That moment, when I heard myself say the words, and I knew it was true.

That moment…_I had wanted to…_

And I had still said _no_.

_I remember the look in her eyes at my words-not hurt, just resigned. I remember her lips brushing my forehead, my arms weaving around her in a last embrace…whispering three words we had long understood but been afraid to admit…_

_And then, the next day, victory. Returning home to a life long forgotten, holding a wife whose love I suddenly remembered and whose touch I had forgotten that I longed for. Reuniting with friends long lost…_

I had buried the memory of _that night_, of the moment when I, not her, had brought up the one thing we had pretended didn't exist.

Our friendship was set in stone at that point- years of battle with only her to depend on had worn us both raw, and bound together by duty and love we not only re-grew into new people but also fused together as one. I don't think a single person in this universe-not my parents, not Bruce, not even Lois-knows me as well as she does. She knows everything about me, has seen me at my worst, and somehow cares for me- _loves_ me- all the same.

…and yet there is always that _one thing_ we know we will never talk about…never acknowledge…It's as though our time in Asgard is a giant room of the house that is our relationship, but it's a room that will forever remain locked and forbidden.

Except behind that door is a perfume, a perfume that has begun to seep under the door to the rest of the house, changing nothing physically yet impossible to miss.

…_and it's a perfume that smells of orchids._

I don't know if she ever told anyone about those years- I know I never had the heart to tell Lois.

_Was that _really_ because I was protecting my wife's fragile spirit?_

Or was there another reason that I didn't want to admit to myself?

_Had something happened there that I was afraid she would see?_

Diana has never asked me to choose her over my wife…_and I have never told her that I cannot-should not- have them both in my life. _

But inside, I know that to divide myself between them is to leave them both half-empty.

_**Who says that Diana needs you? Who says that she is incomplete without all of you? **_The voice in my head again reminds me_. __**She's a strong, independent woman-she's royalty, she's a daughter and a sister- she doesn't need **_**you**_** to be complete.**_

_True. And yet I have never seen her in a friendship like the one we have…_

Without paying attention, I have flown to the Arctic. I have lost track of time- but the monitors inside the Fortress tell me it's almost the end of the day in Metropolis. Soon, I'll need to go home, meet Lois, ask her how her day was…and talk about last night.

Slowly I sit down in the icy room, resting my head in my hands.

_It didn't mean anything_. A part of me wants to believe that. _You weren't thinking clearly- you wouldn't have done it if you have been sober…_

_**Yes, but would I have still **_**wanted**_** to? Were those feelings and thoughts that led me to do what I did actually so foreign? Or were they ever-present and merely given free rein by the wine?**_

_That can't be true_. I love my wife. I love Lois. I would never do anything to hurt her. _This is not my fault._

I try to fit my head around the conversation I'll have to have when I get home...

_I can't tell her. It will hurt her so much. She'll never trust me with Diana again._

_**Do you really deserve that trust**__?_ The nagging voice in my head says.

_This was an accident. Not an intentional betrayal. I didn't set out to cheat on my wife. And I'm not going to break her heart for a mistake I made._

_**You remember it perfectly well- you were the one that started it-you didn't fight it for a second**_-

_Stop_.

I shut the thought down before I hear the rest. I don't want to hear it.

_I love my wife. I'm not this person. It's not a lie if there's no truth to the other option. I'm _not_ in love with Diana. I'm not_

I leave the Fortress immediately. _No sense in delaying the inevitable_.

It takes only a few moments to get home, and I am only slightly surprised to see Lois sitting quietly at the kitchen table with a cup of tea as I come in dressed as Clark Kent.

She turns as I enter, and I see no trace of anger in her eyes. "Clark," she says quietly, standing.

She comes right up to me, takes my face in her hands and stands on her tiptoes to kiss my lips. She pulls away and I am surprised to see tears in her eyes, an unnatural display of fragility from her.

"I'm sorry," she says, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry about last night…about everything…I…" she tries to find words but I just draw her into a gentle embrace while she begins to cry against my chest. _She's the one apologizing?_

"I'm sorry too," I say quietly, and I find myself having to speak past a lump in my throat. "_For everything_."

We stand there for a few minutes, saying nothing, just me holding her fragile body against me while she cries. I kiss the top of her head and rest my forehead against it, feeling a single, surprising tear fall into her hair as the guilt inside crashes upon me again.

This is a double life.

This is _betrayal_.

But a double life _is_ my life. Always to be two people.

Lois, my parents, my hometown, the Planet-they're all part of the life of Clark Kent. To them, Superman…_Kal-el_… is someone separate. But to the League…_to Diana_…I am someone else-I'm the person who doesn't have to hide who he is.

It will be nothing new, to hide last night. To pretend it doesn't exist.

To add this new story to my life is just to add one more thing to the list of things that Clark and Kal will never share.

_**Fade out: "Man of a Thousand Faces"-Regina Spektor**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Song inspiration: "When You're Gone" –Avril Lavigne**_

I didn't expect things between us to be the same after that night in the Rockies.

They weren't.

He stopped visiting me when I was in America. I stopped dropping by Metropolis just to see him. We saw each other at the Watchtower, we worked together on missions, and that was it.

We didn't talk at all for several days after that night in the Rockies. I didn't try to push it; I gave him time to deal with everything on his own, and I also knew I needed to have my thoughts well in order before I trusted myself to say anything to him.

I finally breached the silence one day during a break at the Tower and casually asked about the mission he'd just returned from. His answer was concise, and at first I thought this meant he was politely refusing to talk to me, but then he returned the question and a conversation began. We moved from a frosty silence to an awkward one.

I didn't mind at first. It was better than nothing.

I wasn't expecting our friendship to be the _exactly_ same as it was, but as the weeks went on, it became evident that he wasn't going to let us go back to anything _close_ to the way we used to be. He wouldn't be alone with me anywhere. He wouldn't just sit and talk with me during downtime at the Tower. He wouldn't train with me. He wouldn't touch me. He wouldn't even _smile_ at me, as though even this small display of affection would be too far for us to go now. And each time we were in the same room, there was an elephant in there too that neither of us was willing to acknowledge…

And, plain and simple, I missed my friend.

I knew he was protecting himself-and maybe he thought he was protecting me too-from any kind of temptation. As much as I wanted our friendship back, I couldn't deny his clear assumption that we were not going to be able to go back to exactly the way we were…not with both of us unable to ignore what had happened. I hoped that this was just a stage of transition, but as weeks turned into months and we still were barely speaking, I began to fear that we had ruined our friendship irreparably. The conversation in the mountains had been to emotionally-charged for me to think clearly. I knew that there was far more that we needed to talk about that we hadn't addressed then.

_When is there ever a _right_ time to talk about something like this though?_

If the other League members noticed anything different between us, they mercifully said nothing. Perhaps this should have bothered me more, but I was grateful to not have to confess the canyon that had immerged between us. I didn't know if they brought anything up before him, but I doubted it. Everything that happened stayed between him and me alone, just like he had wanted.

I was tired of this charade though. Tired of pretending like nothing had happened, and tired of pretending that it was okay for us to keep up this farce. I worried that I might do something rash out of frustration, but until he and I were alone together, I knew I didn't have the heart to call his bluff in front of the others. In spite of the situation he had put me in, I still cared about protecting him. Sooner or later though, my chance came.

It was one night, maybe two or three months after _that night_, when he walked into the training simulator right after I had entered from the other side. It was literally the first time we were in a room alone together in months.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he says when he sees me. "You go ahead. I'll come back later."

He turns quickly- a little too quickly- to leave, and something inside me suddenly snaps.

_Enough_.

"Kal." I let my voice rise a little louder than necessary as I call to him from across the room. He stops mid-step.

"_Fight with me_." I place the challenge simply in front of him. I want to first see if he'll dare. If he'll let himself.

He turns to look over his shoulder at me, and I see the conflict play quickly across his face. "I really-"

He's backing down. I expected him to. _But he's not getting away from me this time._

"Activate Special Program ATS-D15," I say sharply to the voice-activated room controls. The walls seal immediately and the door he was about to exit through vanishes. He spins sharply to face me, but I ignore him and watch the changing room around us.

The machines in the floor whir and the nanotech ground springs to life, reshaping to become an unlevel terrain of rocks, pits, and boulders. The walls transform from bare steel to a hologram of a sweeping scene of disaster- fire, debris, and smoke are all that can be seen across the barren terrain- but through the smoke and clouds glimmer distant stars. Light disappears from the room except for from the holograms of smoldering ruin and the real flames that spring from areas of the ground as the simulation begins.

On the other side of the room, he rotates slowly, taking in his new surroundings. His face of surprise gradually changes to one of complete shock as he recognizes the scene.

"_Asgard_," he says quietly. "How did you do it?" A reflection of the flames dances in his eyes.

"I had J'onn help me extract some memories and code them into binary for the computer to recreate," I respond quietly. "It wasn't hard."

The ground begins to tremble as the machines beneath it generate the obstacles.

Our eyes meet across the room, and I hold his gaze as I move towards him slowly. "Do you remember what we learned here?"

He looks away and takes one slow step backwards. _He knows what I meant by that_.

"Don't do this Diana- _end training simulation_," he says to the machines. Nothing stops- the ground only shakes harder- a roar builds in the distance- the cry of a monster recreated.

"This is my program, Kal," I say calmly. "It ends when I say it ends." I unlace the lasso from my side, preparing for anything that's about to attack.

"I'm not going to do this, D-" he doesn't get to finish his protest, because at that moment a simulated demon breaks through the ground beneath him with a roar, seizing him in coils of its body and slamming him to the ground.

_Here we go._

I fly at the monster but am deflected by another demon that appears from the ground beneath me. All other things disappear from my mind as I go into combat mode- my body reacts as the engrained warrior training takes over. _Deflect-attack-dodge-strike-immobilize…_

At one point I am struck from the air by a demon's errant tail and thrown against the ground, but before it can pin me beneath its foot, _he's_ in front of me, catching its claws in his hands and twisting the beast to the ground. I leap upon it and snap its neck, and it fades away into the simulator.

And just like that, we are fighting together again, a perfectly coordinated team-just like we used to. The demons fall again and again before us on all sides, fading away into the simulator, reforming, and reappearing to attack again.

As we fight and I find a rhythm in the battle, my mind is able to wander just a little…and process all the other memories brought back by this place. _The invariable feelings of uncertainty and exhaustion in the years of constant combat, and the occasional moments of loneliness when I considered the years that were passing without us and the family I had left behind. The many sleepless nights spent in battle and those rare nights spent resting in his arms by the fire. The bond forged between us through both combat and rest, refined with trial and perfected with time. It was here, in this forgotten land devoid of all things good, that something great and powerful grew between us._

_Something we still pretend doesn't exist._

_I remember that final night-the closest we ever came to admitting what we felt-when I looked into his eyes and saw it all there. The desire, the resistance to it, the internal conflict where his commitment to his other love ran up against his relationship with me. He had denied himself then, but it was in that moment that I knew I wasn't imagining his love for me. And when we came home deeper friends than ever, not ruined but rather refined by the years of trial by fire…I couldn't help but wonder if his feelings would fade or grow now that we were back. _

_Of course I had tried to distance myself from my desires, now that his commitment to his wife was once again a present reminder of why we could not be more than friends. I kept everything tucked inside and did my best to make it easier on him by pretending I wanted nothing more than friendship between us. But even without having to lie outright to him, I never was able to lie to myself. Not with that golden gift of the gods that I carried with me that daily burned away any delusion I tried to let myself believe. But here, once again surrounded by the fiery, forgotten world that was the site of the worst and best years of my life, I see everything for what it really is._

I look at him for the briefest of moments as he throws another beast to the ground. There is something in his face- something raw and determined- but not because of the conflict before him. It's because of the battle within him. A battle that I've watched him fight for years now, a battle he lost that night a few months ago. And now he's fighting it again with all that he has, but not because he's afraid to lose- it's because he's trying to convince himself he hasn't changed sides.

It's all there- I see it so clearly now through the smoke and flames.

We press back to back as a demon rises up on each side once more, and his hand brushes mine. "_Enough, Diana,_" I hear him mutter as his feet shift to prepare to spring. "_Enough now_."

_Not yet. _

This time, instead of helping him as he absorbs force of his demon's strike and I dodge the demon I'm facing, I let mine go after him rather than keeping its attention fixed on me. I let its tail strike him and throw him against the wall, and the two demons go after him together. I slip out of their vision and let them pin him to the ground without my interference. _I need to remind him why we need each other .Why he needs _me_._

"Diana!" he shouts, doing his best to free himself as a third monster rises up to join the mêlée. His heat vision does little to deter them, and with his power neutralized by their magical strength he can't seem to do anything else without killing them. _The other line he has sworn never to cross._

He looks around and his eyes find me, and his face is full of both anger and panic as I look coolly back at him without moving to help. One beast raises its head for a crushing blow.

_Now it's enough._

I give the command. "_End simulation_."

The beasts instantly disappear in a shower of pixels. The fire fades and the smoke disappears into the vents. The wall and ceiling holograms fragment and the room fills again with the sterile gleam of fluorescent light on steel.

_That last bit was unnecessary. Selfish. But it also might have been the only way to make him listen._

He gets up from the ground. There is something angry in his eyes as he looks at me, but I think he understands what I've just done. We stand on opposite sides of the room and stare each other down as the last of the mythical world fades and the room returns to smooth steel. I could never be afraid of him, and that's not why I feel anxious now. As I take a deep breath, I realize that the reason my heart is pounding is because I'm afraid of all that might be different when we leave this room.

_Courage_.

"Enough's enough Kal. We're not leaving this room until you hear me out."

He just glares back in silence. I approach him with determination.

"I'm done with this," I say solidly. "I'm done pretending. I'm done pretending like nothing happened in Asgard, and I'm done pretending like nothing happened that night. The charade has to end now."

I'm only a few feet away from him. I wonder if he's noticed that his feet have shifted to defensive stance as though he expects me to attack him. He says nothing in response though, and I go on.

"I'm not blaming you for not knowing how to act around me, and that's why we have to get this all out now, so we can just move on. I'm asking you to stop avoiding me and just be honest with me. I don't want to have to hide what we did-"

"_Not_ hide what we did?" he repeats incredulously. His eyes flash angrily but at least I've finally elicited a response. "We broke _vows_, Diana. It's not something we can just acknowledge to the world- there are repercussions of something like this-consequences for everyone. Do you have any idea what it's like to carry this around in a marriage, knowing I was unfaithful to her?"

It's the first time I've heard him admit it out loud.

He goes on, "I'm not doing that to Lois-I'm not going to put her through any more pain because of something I did-"

"Kal, I did _not_ mean tell people what happened," I cut him off, "I'm not that foolish. I know what this looks like on our character, I know how much this would change if we admitted it to others. It kills me to not be honest about who I am, but I am doing it for you, not for myself. I could live with the consequences. But you seem to think that you can't. And so we're just acting as if we don't know each other anymore. But that's not helping anything. You know it isn't."

I dare to challenge him.

"I just need us to be honest with _each other_," I say, softening my tone. "What happened changed things. It changed us. And if we aren't willing to even acknowledge that it happened, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to deal with _you_. At the very least Kal, can we stop pretending like we don't _know_ what happened?"

He doesn't respond to that- I can tell that I'm getting through in some way. I press forward.

"I can tell you've tried to bury that night's memory ever since then, but there's something deeper that we're dancing around and never acknowledging. Something that's making you avoid me like a plague-"

"You're trying to turn this into more than it is, Diana. It was _one night_- one momentary lapse in judgment…" I see that he knows where I'm going with this-but I also notice he's not denying intentionally avoiding me. I press forward bravely.

"Kal, the fact that it _happened_ has to mean something…"

"We've been over this Diana…_nothing_ would have happened if we had been thinking clearly…" his voice is rising.

"That's not the point." My voice is louder. "Drunken actions are sober wishes. I think that should be a bit of a clue for both of us."

As soon as the words are out of my mouth and I see his eyes flash, I know I've done it. Crossed an understood line. Up til now, there have been no accusations of fault. _Well, it's time to stop pretending._

We are only an arm's length away from each other. I can practically feel the emotion radiating off of him as he opens his mouth.

"You think I _wanted_ this to happen?" he asks slowly but forcefully. His hands tighten into fists, and my feet instinctively slide into a defensive stance. "Is that what you're saying? You think I planned this when I showed up at your house?"

"No, Kal," I say with all the earnestness I can put into my voice. "That's _not_ what I meant. I'm giving you more credit than you might deserve, but I am not accusing you of knowingly setting this situation up. All I'm saying is that you're closing your eyes to the most crucial point in this whole situation."

"And what might that be?" he asks through gritted teeth, still not relaxing his fists.

I take a deep breath, knowing there's no turning back once I say this.

"The fact is Kal, if your marriage was what you think it is-what you're _pretending_ like it is-and your relationship with me was as innocent as we keep _acting_ like it is…then you wouldn't have been at my house that night in the first place. You wouldn't have left your wife and your certainly wouldn't have gone to me."

His eyes narrow, and I see I've made hit him where it hurts.

_It's out there. I said it._ My thudding heart betrays the boldness I put into my voice.

There's two directions we can go from here, and it all hinges on what he says in reply.

"Maybe," he says slowly, "but nothing would have happened if there wasn't something on the other side of it too."

I narrow my eyes at him. _I think I know what he's getting at_. _How dare he…_

"Just admit it, Diana…did you want it?"

_I'm not falling for that._

"We've been over this," I say with an edge in my voice. "I would never have asked you to choose between your wife and me-"

"_That's not what I asked_," he says solidly, and I see the firmness in his eyes-he's not going to let me out of this one. Not this time. "I'm asking if inside…_deep inside_…do you want…_us_?"

_He can't even make himself ask the question sensibly…_

I hold his gaze silently for a long moment, processing the gravity of what he's asking.

He's asking me to lay bare the one thing I've worked so hard to keep hidden from him for so many years. An honest answer to this small question has the potential to change everything.

_I don't know if I can do that to him. To our friendship. To myself._

I try to communicate all this with my eyes as I answer in the most careful way I can, my voice barely more than a whisper.

"Don't make me say it, Kal. You know I don't get to lie…"

I see a change in his face, and I know he understands. Though I'm shaking on the inside, I hold his gaze bravely and go on.

"I'm still not asking you to choose," I continue, my voice soft. "Because I care about you, and because I want you to be happy, I want you to do what's right for you. And if being with her is what makes you happy, then that's what I want for you more than anything."

He holds my gaze unflinchingly, his expression inscrutable. I dare to step out on a limb one more time.

"I can't read your mind, or your heart, Kal. I know you have a capacity for love greater than I can understand. But I also think you _might_ be trying to convince your mind to contradict your heart."

There's the slightest change in the air around us, and I know inside that once again I have just crossed an invisible line out of neutral territory. I have asked him to face himself.

"I love her, Diana," he responds quietly, looking me solidly in the eye.

"I know you do," I say, averting my gaze. "All I'm saying, is...whether it's a thousand years or one night, _you_ can bury anything you don't want to face and try to forget about it. I don't get to do that."

Unconsciously, my hand touches the lasso at my side, running the silken fibers through my fingers. The fire burns through me, clarity in the face of this confusion. His eyes glance to the lasso's light, and I see that he understands what I mean.

I look up and meet his gaze with all the strength I have. "I don't get to pretend, because I don't get to lie to myself. So each day you go on pretending, Kal…each day you go on lying…I am still suffering. Alone."

In his eyes, I see the pain, and I know he understands at last. Summoning the remains of my resolve, I lay the last challenge before him before my voice has a chance to break.

"If you care about me- if you _love_ me in any way…please Kal, just face yourself. Face the truth. And don't make me go on carrying this alone."

I don't let him answer. I just turn around, walk away, and leave the room first. He doesn't come after me, but it doesn't matter because I don't intend to slow down.

_I'm not going to let him leave me twice._

_**Fade out: "I Just Can't Live A Lie"- Carrie Underwood**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**Song inspiration: "Broken Strings" –James Morrison **_

For a few days after that night in the training room, Diana and I didn't see each other at all. I think that was a fortunate accident rather than anything intentional, but she would probably be satisfied to know that even without her presence, I couldn't shake off the words she'd spoken that night. Anytime my mind wasn't busy enough, that final moment-her pained face, her earnest commission-drifted into my thoughts…and yet I couldn't for the longest time decide what to do.

I still couldn't rationalize telling Lois about the situation. Not until I understood it better. Diana had asked me to face myself and figure out the truth behind what had happened.

_But what was the truth? What was I supposed to do?_

And when I finally found the answer, it came from the place I least expected it.

Lois came home late from the Planet one night to find me on the couch, typing up a report for the next deadline. I called a hello without getting up and listened to her go through her usual routine of dumping her bag on the counter and kicking off her shoes, then heating water for tea. She comes in a few minutes later with a steaming mug in her hand, sits down on the couch, and props her feet up on my knee behind the laptop. There's a brief exchange of questions about each others' days and deadlines as I continue to type, and then, unexpectedly, she delivers a ton of bricks right into my lap.

"Clark, I know about what happened between you and Diana."

The silence that follows is punctuated only by the crunch of plastic and the sound of an electronic short-circuiting as my fingers punch through the keyboard on a final stroke.

_She knows?_

Slowly I close the fractured laptop and set it aside. For an excruciatingly long moment I just sit there, thoughts racing, before finally turning to meet her eyes as she moves her feet off my knee and curls her legs under her. She's looking steadily at me, not with the searching, truth-hunting look I usually see in her eyes, but instead with a calm look of resignation. Finally, she takes a deep breath and looks down into her mug as she speaks.

"I know you don't want to tell me because you think it's going to hurt me Clark, and you may be right, but the silence has only gotten louder in the last few months. And if it's all the same to you, then I'd rather deal with the wound than continue walking around pretending I don't know there's a knife stuck in my back."

My heart hammers at her words. She looks up into my eyes, and I find it impossible to look away.

"Would you just tell me the truth?" Her eyes are not at all vulnerable; there is a strength in her gaze that is both surprising and unsettling. I know I can't lie to her this time, but I don't know _what_ to say.

Somehow, the words come anyway.

"It… it wasn't premeditated," is all I can get out.

She sighs and looks away, and there is a strange look on her face- a mix of pain, resignation, and…_relief_? She sets the forgotten cup of tea aside and turns to rest her feet on the floor again, angling her body away from me a little. She leans forward to rest her elbows on her knees, her hands clasped beneath her chin.

"This may be the first time I've been _upset_ to be proven right," she says quietly.

_Oh. She was bluffing. And just bluffed right into the truth._

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. _Well, it's all out there now. But how is she going to react? _I'm not sure what to say, afraid that whatever I do next will only make the situation worse…fortunately, she speaks first.

"I thought…I thought it might come to this someday," she says quietly, unlacing her fingers pressing her fingertips against the corners of her eyes as though trying to plug any imminent tears. "I tried to picture it so many times- us growing old together, having children and grandchildren…and I _never could_. It was like my mind would let me imagine that future because nothing inside me believed it would actually happen. I think inside I always knew we weren't destined for forever. But at least for a little while, I hoped we were happy and that was enough…"

"Of course I'm happy with you," I say quickly, startled by the tremors of emotion in her words. I slide closer to her and touch her arm gently. She lets me take one of her hands and wrap it in mine, but she keeps her face turned to the side and doesn't look at me as I say earnestly, "Lois, I have always loved you. You know how long I tried to get you to notice me as Clark rather than as Superman, and you know how happy I have been with you all these years. Lois, I know how much I don't deserve you."

I rest a hand on her back, and she slowly leans into me, so I wrap my arm around her, still clasping her hand in mine on my knee.

"It happened after we had that fight, didn't it?" she asks quietly from beneath my chin.

"Yes."_Might as well get the whole truth out_. I sigh. "I was stupid. I never should have gone there in the first place. But I didn't go there with any…plans. It just…happened."

She doesn't acknowledge this reply, but I feel the heaviness increase a little in the room.

"Did you…know?" I ask hesitantly.

She sighs and answers in the direction of my knees. "I didn't know the extent of it, but I could tell you were feeling guilty about something. I never assumed that you two had an inappropriate relationship before that…for all my complaining, I was really just afraid that I was losing your heart. But then when you came back after that night, I could tell that something was wrong. And…I could just tell. _Something_ had happened that changed things. You didn't talk about her any more. She didn't come by at random times. You came home more often. You wanted to go out with me more. At first I appreciated it. And then I wondered _why_…and then I started to see it everywhere…you were atoning for something, something you felt guilty about…and I understood."

_Well, she certainly is worth her salt as a reporter. I should have given her more credit from the start._

I sigh. "I'm sorry I didn't just admit it. I'm sorry I tried to pretend that everything could be made right without telling the truth. I know you might not believe it, but hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do, which is why I did my best to sweep the mess under the rug." _It sounds so stupid now, even to my own ears._

"It's ironic, isn't it?" she says from beneath my chin. _Strange that we are so close and yet not looking at each other._

We sit in silence a while longer, each alone with our own thoughts. Finally, I try to push us forward.

"So…what does this mean for us?" I ask quietly, honestly not knowing the answer.

Lois sits up slowly and wipes her eyes. She meets my gaze again with that strange look.

"Well, I guess I'll pack my things…" she starts to stand up, and I catch her hand, startled.

"We can work through this, Lois," I attempt. "We can-"

She cuts me off by touching a finger to my lips, silencing me.

"Come with me," she says, and leads me by the hand to the sliding glass door that leads out to the balconey. A blanket of clouds has rolled in, and the city's lights illuminate the clouds from beneath with a somber golden glow. There are no stars. Without X-ray vision, I can't even see the moon.

"Take me flying one more time, Smallville. I need you to understand something."

_Anything for her_.

In a few minutes, we're flying over the city, the calm wind barely ruffling her hair as I hold her against my chest. She's seen the city from this angle many times before with me, and as usual I level off over the busiest part of Metropolis, where the city lights are brightest and the grid of streets and skyscrapers seem to form a paneled stage beneath our feet. She stands on the tops of my feet, completely at ease as she rests her cheek against my chest, taking my hands from her waist and lacing her fingers through them by her hips, holding on tightly.

We just stand there for a while, and I study her as she looks down at the city. Her composure is unsettling, for I have no idea what she's feeling or about to say. So I can only take her in as we stand there, my wife that I know so well-the line of her profile, the thickness of her lashes, the scattering of faint freckles…the coolness of her fingers dwarfed inside my gently-clasped hands, the distinct scent of coffee and copy ink that never seems to be washed from her skin, the fragility of her form that she holds so trustingly close to mine. I don't know why, but I feel myself filing all these features frantically, as though I have only a few more moments left to see her…_but that's nothing new…_ I've grown used to the life of uncertain tomorrows and days that steal me from her that soaking in every moment with her is an engrained habit.

She tilts her face up then and sees me watching her, and there is a sparkle in her dark eyes attempting to cover the thrilled fear I know she feels every time her feet are off the ground.

"I remember the first time you brought me up here. I tried to act tough, but I'm sure you knew I was scared to death." She flashes a quick smile, and I smile back.

"I did know, but I humored you. I could tell you were still enjoying it." _Just like now._

"And after all these years, it still doesn't cease to amaze me that you do this all the time. Stand on clouds, fly through the sky…" She looks up at me. "I still can't really understand how it feels to be you and to have all this be…_ordinary_."

I hold her gaze. _Where is she going with this?_

"Any couple can be different races Clark, but you and I…we're different _species_. I'll never get to do the things you do, see the things you see, take the adventures you take…and it's the same for you with me. Try as you might, you genuinely can't understand what it's like to have your feet permanently weighted to the ground with gravity and to feel the way it hurts when a normal person strikes you."

I open my mouth to say something but she silences me with a hand on my lips again. "Don't say anything- I need to get this out before I lose my nerve."

She takes a deep breath and continues.

"I know we both wanted to make it work. I know we both said we were willing to try, to compromise, to sacrifice for each other so that we could be together. But the truth is, in the right relationship, you shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to lose you all the time to a life I'll never get to share with you, and you shouldn't have to always hold back the person that you really are, the person you are when you wear this." She rests her hand upon the_ S_ crest of my suit.

"I think they said it best in the fables_- a bird can love a fish, but where would they live_? I shouldn't force you to choose being with me over being who you are. And I know you're willing to sacrifice because you love me…_somehow, in spite of all this, you love me_…but I want _more_ for you. I want you to live the life you're created to live. I want you to be the man you can be without me. And that includes getting to make love without ever holding back."

I'm so startled by her last words that we fall a little in the air as I forget to fly for a moment. She only laughs, and her eyes meet mine with a mischievous gleam as I right myself and sputter- "Lois!"

"Don't deny it, Smallville, you know what I'm talking about." She's smirking just a little.

"How can you- _Lois_! How can you say these things? I'm with you because I _want_ to be with you. Being your husband doesn't make me any less of a man-"

"And being your wife challenges me to be a better woman. But I should also challenge _you_. I should push you. I should know your limits and dare you to go beyond them and live an even greater life. But I_ can't_ because I'll never be at your level. I'll never come close to really _understanding_."

She sighs and puts her head on my chest.

"You shouldn't have to always carry your wife. She should be able to fly with you."

_Oh. So that's what she was getting at…_

"Lois-" I say, tilting her chin up and looking her squarely in the eye. "I love _you_."

She responds by leaning up to kiss my lips, gently, but only once. She barely pulls back, so that our eyes are very close as she holds my gaze and says softly,

"And I love _you_. And that's why I'm setting you free."

I draw back and stare at her, baffled.

"_What_?"

"We can't keep pretending like this marriage is something that it isn't. It's not fulfilling either of us completely, and the point is that a part of your heart is tied to someone outside of this marriage. So I'll lay it out for you, Smallville: I want you to let me go, and I'll let you to go after Diana. Because you're going to lose her if you keep this pretending up much longer."

I can only stare at her, stunned.

"I-Lois- how did you-why are you-"

Her laugh is beautiful as I hear it, real and full of life, for the first time in a long time.

"Clark, I'm a woman. I know what love looks like. I've always known that you love her deeply. And I know without a doubt that she loves you too. You two are made for each other. Everyone knows it. Me. Martha. The world media…everyone seems to realize it except _you_."

She slides her hands up my chest to clasp them on the back of my neck. Her hair dances as she leans back a little, catching the breeze with her hair.

"Here's the thing, Clark: I love you. And loving someone means wanting only good things for them. Even if it means causing a little pain for yourself. You made a mistake a few months ago-I can tell you know that. I'm not excusing what you did, but I'm also not trying to punish you for it- I can tell you've punished yourself enough already. I just don't hold it against you that you're in love with her and have been insisting that you're not for years now. I think you've gotten so good at saying it to others that you've made _yourself_ believe it. But Clark, enough's enough."

She suddenly lifts both her feet off mine, just clinging to my neck. Instinctively, my arms fly to wrap around her, keeping her from falling to the earth should her hands slip. I stare at her, startled, but she just smiles, our faces level with each other now that I'm holding her.

"I know that you're willing to bring me into your world. I know that you've tried to live in mine," she says, looking me solidly in the eye. "And I'm not dismissing how much it says about your character that you did what you did by marrying me. But the point is that here, if it weren't for you holding me, I would fall like a rock. And in my world, without the human restraint that you glue over yourself every day, you're a bull in a china shop. There's a person out there, Clark, who is made to share life-all the parts of your life-with you without fear or restraint. But it's not me."

One of her hands cups my cheek, and she leans in and kisses me again, fully and with conviction. When she pulls away, she keeps her hands on my face and looks solidly into my eyes once again.

"Do you understand what I'm saying, Smallville?" her voice gentle, but inside it I hear the resolve, the understated threat- _don't make me say it twice_…

So I nod. Because I do understand. At least a little, anyways.

"Good," she says, and kisses my lips again. But there's something final about this time. A last farewell. "Then take this fish back to her pond, and let's move on."

_**Fade out: "Wave Goodbye"-Steadman**_

_*_**Author's note: **This was the most difficult chapter for me to write, because I recognized what a fine line I had to walk to make each character believable.

I felt that I had to soften Lois's character enough to make you understand and sympathize with her unfortunate situation, but I didn't want to betray her strength and intelligence as a reporter, wife, and army daughter. I don't write bitchy women well because I can't relate to them, so I knew I couldn't spin her character that way and make her believable. And to be honest, I'm a little frustrated with the suggestion that she and Clark didn't have a happy marriage. I think they were happy enough…there was just something missing. Something that would drive them apart sooner or later. His relationship with Diana just made it happen sooner.

Clark was especially hard, but I did my best. I wanted to show how truly clueless he is in this situation, mostly by his own doing. I needed to make his ignorance frustrating enough that you were on Lois's side for even the briefest of moments…but I also needed to show why he was so set on protecting Lois. I believe one of Clark Kent's strongest traits is his loyalty to his loved ones. So I knew that if his marriage was ever going to end, it was going to have to be Lois who ended it, not him.

I didn't mean to make his character passive, just protective to a fault in that he doesn't give Lois enough credit for what she could handle. Physically, he is always trying not to hurt other people, so why would this not spill over into the parts of his life he chooses to share with Lois? He wouldn't tell Lois what happened because he never wants to see her hurt because of anything he intentionally did.

And then there's this awkward situation where I needed to show how much he really does love her. So I couldn't have this break-up end badly, or it would have changed him too much. It couldn't be a "I don't love you anymore" situation, it needed to be a mutual admission that they just couldn't be married and make it work.

So this is where I ended up. For any die-hard Kal/Diana shippers reading this, sorry if it was too sympathetic, but it's never fair in love triangles. I just did my best to balance the scales a little more.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Soundtrack: "Falling or Flying"-Grace Potter and the Nocturnals; "Everything" -Lifehouse**_

I didn't see him for several days after that confrontation in the training room, and I assumed he was avoiding me. As days turned into weeks, I started to think I may have burned a bridge irreparably, and began, to my own frustration, to regret what I had done.

One day J'onn delivered a message from Kal to the League-he was taking an indefinite leave of absence from Earth with no certain agenda-he would be back sooner or later, but until then he wished everyone well. I had sat there, stunned and immediately furious at him for responding to everything that had happened between us in such a rash and self-centered way.

Then Dinah told me about his divorce.

For a long time, I didn't know what to think. No one knew the details-the common understanding was that everything had been settled quietly, meaning either scandal or indifference. Most people said that they believed the latter, but I could tell everyone wondered if it was the former.

So did I. I had no idea if anything between us had been what brought the end of their marriage, but the incidents seemed too chronologically close to not been considered. This idea gave me a hope that I hated in myself, and I let myself for a brief time wonder what this could mean for us.

But very quickly, I realized it didn't matter.

He was gone.

And anything we had, or could have had, was gone with it.

The logical part of me told me that it was time to get over all of this and move on. But we had left too much unsaid, so much unresolved, that there was only so much distance I could put between myself and the feelings that continued to weigh me down. Of course I pragmatically kept those feelings pressed down inside, trying to starve them of air during the lonely months that passed in his absence. I reminded myself that I was a fool, that there was no hope left, and I did my best to keep any thoughts of him from my mind or heart.

So life went on, as it tends to do, without him in my life for several months. Until one night, when I returned to my home around dawn to find a note stuck to my balcony door.

_Meet me in the Rockies whenever you can. I'll wait as long as you need me to._

It wasn't signed. But there was only one person who would ask me to meet him there.

I stood there for a long moment, holding his message in my hand, my thoughts racing. I hadn't even heard that he was back on Earth yet. If he had told anyone, surely I would have heard-which means that I was the first person he had come to see.

I realized with a loosening of the tightness in my chest that he wasn't waiting for me on my porch this time. Instead, he was asking to meet me on neutral ground- an invitation rather than an imposition. And he said he would wait. The least he could do after years of me waiting on him.

It was an invitation that was mine to reject. _He couldn't blame me for denying him this grace- he hadn't exactly been the best of friends lately…we both know I don't owe him anything after all this…_

_Oh, who am I kidding?_

Letting the note fall from my hand, I rose into the air and shot away into the sky heading west, already miles away by the time the paper fluttered to rest on the ground.

When I land in the Rockies, I am abruptly reminded that it is now the end of winter when my legs sink into four feet of powdery snow. Lifting myself quickly out of it, I instead hover above the ground and find a stretch of bare rock on the peak to perch on. It's still the middle of the night here, and the mountain range spreads out on all sides, illuminated only by the full moon glowing above, the snow reflecting its light right back onto the blanket of clouds concealing the stars. I take in the view in silence as the cold wind blows my hair about my shoulders. He could be anywhere out there, but I know I don't need to go looking for him. If he was serious about his invitation, then he will come find me.

And for once, I don't have to wait long.

"Diana." His voice drifts over the wind from behind me. My heart, of its own accord, flutters at the sound of his voice, and I instantly feel all the repressed feelings of the past year come rushing to the surface again. _Damn his superhearing._

I close my eyes and take a breath, readying myself for whatever this meeting is about to bring, then turn toward the sound of his voice.

He's standing several yards away on another spot of exposed rock, his cape moving gently around his frame in the wind. He's not smiling, but he looks far more peaceful than he did the last time I saw him, which I take as a good start.

He doesn't move to come closer, so I don't either, just taking in the sight of him and waiting for him to speak. My mind, irrationally, goes back to when I first met him, so long ago that it feels like another lifetime. It had been a cold night, like tonight, in a secluded place, like this. Back then, he had greeted me with an impulsive kiss, something I had been horrified by.

And here we are now, not daring to even come close to each other, yet I would give anything to touch him again now.

"It's been awhile," he finally says, still not moving closer. The glow of the snow beneath and the moon above illuminates his features, and I see the faintest trace of apprehension, like he's not sure how I'm going to respond.

_He's the one who is nervous?_

"I know," I reply calmly, trying to sound indifferent.

"Thank you…for coming. I was afraid you wouldn't. I guess I wouldn't have blamed you for not wanting to see me. I'm sorry I left without saying anything to you…but I think you probably understand why."

_I do._

"I heard about-"

"I thought you might have." He doesn't let me say it. Clearly it's still a sore subject.

"I'm sorry," I say quickly, not wanting him to think I'm attacking him. "I'm sorry things didn't work out."

"Me too," he responds quietly, heavily. But he keeps staring at me with that inscrutable gaze.

_Please Kal, just speak…_I will him…_for once, don't let anyone speak for you except you…_

"That whole situation-I guess you must have heard the whole story by now-that's actually…why I asked you here." He finally says.

I haven't heard the whole story, but those aren't the words I'm dwelling on now.

My heart thuds. "What are you talking about, Kal?" _I can't take him dragging this out._

He glances away as he takes a deep breath, then turns his eyes determinedly back to me as he answers.

"I owe you an apology Diana. An apology for a thickskulled man's ignorance. And for a lot of things that I don't expect you to forgive me for, but I hope you will. Most of all though, I am sorry that I wasn't willing to listen to you. I was so set in my ways, so sure of what I thought to be true, that I wouldn't listen to anything, or anyone, that contradicted it. Not even my best friend. And for that I am truly sorry."

His voice is both soft and powerful all at once, and I can only blink in response to this, willing him to continue.

"You were right. What you said the last time we saw each other. That maybe I was trying to get my mind to contradict my heart. It took me a while to realize it, but I finally saw how true your words were. When everything fell apart with me and you, and with me and Lois" I wince a little as he says her name so easily "you both said a lot of the same things. That was why I left for awhile. I knew I was going to need to get away from any of the reasons that I had wound up in this situation in the first place-any people, circumstances, or obligations. But even after all this time away, I still haven't been able to figure it out. I've spent so many years keeping everything pressed down inside and telling myself that everything was fine the way it is that I think I had convinced myself that what I thought was right _was_ right. That way, nothing had to change and no one had to get hurt. And after all this searching, I'm just right back where I started: A part of me still feels like I should be with Lois, but another part of me says I belong with…someone else." At those words, my heart betrays my aloofness by pounding harder. He goes on though, his eyes locked earnestly into mine.

"The reason I asked you here is because I…I want to know _the_ _truth_."

His eyes flicker to the golden lasso at my side and I understand.

_Oh. So _that's_ why he wanted to see me…_

"Are you _sure _you want to do thisthough?" I ask seriously, my response acknowledging nothing he has said except is final request. "You know there's no going back once you know the truth. No more claiming ignorance or confusion. You'll have to accept the truth, whatever it is, and find some way to live with it." I don't mean to jab so roughly at his previous actions, but I also don't want him to go into this lightly.

Nonetheless, he meets my eyes with a look of determination I haven't seen in a long time. "I'm sure."

_Well, here it is at last. The proverbial moment of truth_. I unlace the lasso from my side.

I could have draped the magical rope over his hands and it would have had the same effect, but I get a little more satisfaction from throwing the lasso expertly around his torso and cinching the loop about his shoulders. I wouldn't admit it, but I'm also afraid to venture any closer to him- throwing it from a distance is better for me. It binds him in, and it occurs to me that this is the closest we have come to touching each other since that fateful night. Even now, we are far from each other but finally connected by an unbreakable, shining bit of truth.

He gently touches the silken rope against his chest and looks solemnly up at me, trustingly waiting. I don't know if I can focus with his eyes on me…

"Close your eyes, Kal."

He obeys. And maybe I am imagining it, but I think I feel the lasso warm in my hands, as though it too is anticipating the revelation.

_I think I know what to do. Deep breath._

"To see past the obvious and discern truth, you have to look past what you cognitively know. You have to free yourself of the things that you believe to be unchangeable- you have to be able to see the world without coloring it as you already believe it to be. So for this to work, you must stop looking at your past. Stop looking at the present. What I am asking you to do is to look at the future."

He says nothing, and I continue.

"I want you to imagine yourself at that point in your life when you believe everything to be accomplished. You have done everything you set out to do. Picture yourself looking at the world around you and wondering how life could possibly be any better than this…Can you picture that, Kal?"

His brow furrows, but a smile plays at his lips as he nods soundlessly. I wonder what he is imagining…but I press forward, my words even and deliberate, a brave march to a cliff's edge.

"Then answer your question, Kal. Look at that life, that most perfect life that you're imagining…look around, and see…_who is the person standing next to you_?"

He gasps, and I see the lasso suddenly glimmer slightly brighter- _truth is imparted_. His eyes fly open and lock into mine, his expression stunned.

But he says nothing.

I draw a deep breath and ask, "Do you see the truth now?"

My voice wavers, just a little. I blink and am startled to feel a tear slip down my cheek, so irrational for this moment.

He doesn't say a word, but he nods, his face serious. I nod in return and attempt a smile as I quickly brush away the tear. My voice is strong when I speak.

"Then you can be free."

…_For the truth shall set you free._

_I don't need to know his answer_, I tell myself as I slowly approach him, gathering the length of the lasso in my hands. _He doesn't have to tell me. In fact, it's probably better that I don't know_.

I come up to him, not meeting his eyes, and loosen the knot around his shoulders, my hands hovering closer to him than they have dared to in a long time. I am startled when he suddenly covers my hand, and the lasso, with his own, and I look up at his face.

He doesn't say anything, just stares fixedly into my eyes. His gaze is so intense that I look away.

_What is he thinking? Doesn't he know how hard this is for me to be so close?_

His hands over mine slide the noose of the lasso wider, and I go to lift the circle off his shoulders. His hand stops me again, and I again meet his eyes. Staring solemnly at me, he lifts the rope away from around his chest, but instead of shrugging it off, he instead pulls it wider and drops it over my shoulders, so we are both encircled by it. My heart races. _What is he doing_?

His hands slide along the knot and tighten it around us, pulling us in together until I am drawn up against him, my arms tucked in over my chest as a last barrier between the two of us.

"And now I have to ask you something," he finally says in a voice more sincere than I have ever heard from his lips. His hands rest lightly on my forearms, his fingertips barely touching the pile of golden rope gathered in my hands. "When _you_ picture that perfect, complete life, full of everything you set out to do, better than you thought was even possible…will you tell me, Diana…who is standing with _you_?"

His eyes look into mine with earnestness, but I close mine, pursing my lips against the tearful smile threatening to break across my face.

_He didn't need the lasso_.

I draw a breath and find the words.

"I see _you_, Kal. You and I, together. It's always been you…" My voice breaks, and I duck my head to hide my tears. I am afraid to open my eyes as I feel him cradle my cheek and thumb the tears away gently.

I look up and gaze into his eyes, savoring it, knowing it may be the last time he ever holds me this close. His face is still unreadable, but he holds my gaze unwaveringly as he speaks.

"When I looked at my future," he whispers, "I didn't see you."

My heart twists painfully in my chest, but I nod silently. _All things are laid bare. All truth is realized. _

_I should go. He needs to let me go…_

But then he goes on.

"I didn't see _you_…because what I saw was _us_. Together. _That's_ the life I long for, have only dared hope for. And I know now without a doubt that it's the truth."

I don't remember moving, but the next thing I know are his lips against mine, my arms around his neck, his arms around me, our bodies pressed together with not a thing left between us. There's not a trace of fear, or alcohol, or inhibition to hold us back this time, or to keep me from feeling every facet of this moment in every fiber of my body. Months, years, lifetimes of pent-up emotion are at last loosed, spilling out of me from long-forgotten places inside of me. I feel tears on my cheeks still, but for a different reason now. Against my chest, I feel his heart pressed next to mine, our pulses falling in sync with each other.

The last time, everything had been writ slow and meaningful by the alcohol, and small details were blurred from my memory, but now I take in every facet with elated intention. _The texture of his face beneath my hand, the lightness of his hair as my fingers weave through it, the warmth of his body enveloping from all sides, the taste of his lips as they move against mine…_There is no reason to hold back, so I don't, and as every fragment of fear and hurt leaves me the longer we embrace, I feel nothing but joy displacing it until I am certain I couldn't feel any happier. But then he draws me closer, and I do.

I lose track of how long we embrace, and when I do finally draw back and open my eyes to look into his, I am startled to see clouds beneath us-our feet have left the ground. We are miles into the sky already, surrounded by stars on all sides. _They were there all along, we just needed to get through the clouds to see them._

I also see the lasso, still wrapped around us, glowing with a light like it never has before. The rope seems to have left my hands and woven of its own accord around our bodies from shoulder to ankle, shining with all its brilliance and illuminating every part of us with its light. To anyone on the ground who looks, we might look like a star floating through the sky, but rising rather than falling. _At long last…_

He notices the lasso too as he tenderly runs his hands over my arms, shoulders, waist, passing his hands over the silken strands. "It looks like your gift of the gods is rejoicing," he murmurs with a smile, looking up at me, his eyes twinkling in the golden light.

I just smile and weave my glimmering arms around him again, and his encircle me. My cheek rests against his thudding heart, and my eyes close of their own accord as I let out a breath I might have been holding for years. The two of us float through the starry sky, bound together at last, never to be separated again. Perhaps there were sounds around us but I did not hear them, and perhaps the air was cold but I didn't know it. Within this circle of truth, within his arms, within this moment, there was only peace.

_Perfect love drives out fear. _

Ancient words of wisdom, long forgotten but so appropriate, come unbidden to my mind as his lips brush my forehead, and as he tips my face up and kisses me again, I feel against his lips that we are both still smiling…

_Love rejoices with the truth._

_**Fade out: "Shine" –The Wilshires**_


End file.
